Three Times a Party

Friday my birth-weekend-a-thon starts. My "fan club", the mothers of my youngest kiddos, sent me a cake. We ate a piece during play time. It was really sweet they made me light all the candles and then sang happy birthday to me. One of my other students got me a present, dress socks!

In the evening my co-workers took me to dinner at the Kogi King. It is an all you can eat meat buffet, and you're the cook! What could be better?  
 
Before:

Why yes those are whole cloves of garlic in the center.

After:

Then we went to Nore-bong (private karaoke). Koreans are all born with the ability to sing any pop song perfectly. They make the Americans look ridiculous, for one thing they know the words to the songs. I, on the other hand, belt out the chorus then mumble through the rest of the song, if I really get lost I bust into a dance/clap interlude.  (depending on your audio settings this might get loud...fair warning)

The evening, was again, just getting started. Next we went to a coffee shop for an after hours birthday party of one of our other friends. It was a good time, with lots of food and drinks, that quickly turned into a soju soaked dance party. 

The evening ended in Jundong at Freestyle, an expat bar. No pictures from here because I lost all motivation, and most of my fine motor skills necessary to operate small electronics. (below is an artists rendering of what I suspect the evening consisted of)

Saturday "  morning"   (noon-ish) Jessica, my co-worker, and I went to Surisan for a hike. We ended up on a icy death march to the top of a mountain. Really beautiful views coupled with subdermal ecchymosis of the radiocarpal joint (aka a bruised wrist. Thank you wilderness 1st responder class). 

Sunday...my real birthday I went to a 1 year-old's birthday party. It included a little over 30 catered dishes, prize drawings, a sword to cut cake, beer, soju, a picture montage, a photographer, enough sushi to kill a man, a MC, free gifts, and I don't know what else?! I was told that this was a "small" party too. Apparently 1st B-days are a big deal here because infant mortality used to be a real issue. My photos all sucked so you will have to trust me: This thing was off the hook. (ya I just said that and I am OK with it.)

That's a one year old with a sword :)

In the evening I had dinner with friends at SPOON a local restaurant that is owned by yet another one of my friends. Lee-Ge-Hey (the owner) and her mother Lee-Gey-Sun were kind enough to buy all of our dinners. We drank and ate well. It was a really great way to end a birth-weekend-a-thon. Thank you to everyone for the great time and the birthday well wishes.

Late Twenties: I am here to stay.

Pictures Worth a Chon Won*

*A THOUSAND WON**

**it's like a buck (actually 88 cents)

A quick rundown of the events in the far East:

 

 They look sweet and innocent...

 But then they write nonsensical satanic math problems...

 And become THIS. (It looks like a smile and a hug but it really is a sly grin and a punch.)

 I got really smart...actually it's just the glasses. (do they make me look Asian?)

 I went on a super cool hike and discovered...

 The smog of downtown Seoul makes for great pictures.

I made burritos....

 Which were delicious and much more attractive in this picture. (Oh ya and supper expensive?!?! One of those burritos cost more than the huge beer next to it. Was it the $3 can of beans or the .50 tortilla? I don't know but damn it they were worth every Won.)

I was gifted a Kindle (electronic book) by my favorite grandmas and my favorite parents.

*like my hand-made-super-cool-custom-case?

If you have made it this far...I'm doomed. You are in for a real treat. This is possibly the most horrifically embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me...and I have been embarrassed!

I once had a bloody nose stopped up with a tampon, in-front of my whole class. (note it was my teachers tampon, string and all not the cute little one either. My bloody nose way no match for its "flow protection")

My "first date" we went swimming. Sounds nice enough? I was swept down river. I held on to a tree for dear life till my "date's" mother rescued me. (I also nearly lost my swim trunks)

And yet THIS wins. 


If you will allow I would like to offer some explanation. I was poor...I hadn't been paid yet at my school, my credit card was nearly maxed and I saw a ton of food left over after the Christmas party. Yes, we were allowed to take it home but the way I, for lack of a better word, horded food like my life depended on it was, to say the least, embarrassing. Now why, you ask, would I post such an embarrassing event? 
A) I didn't...it was posted on YouTube by my co-workers (also offering commentary) 
B) Because it's really funny. (I recognize good comedy. And desperation at this level is comical if not hilarious.)
C) Because no one really reads this crap anyway. (besides You and You would never mock me...would you?)


So pull on your favorite brand of adult diaper and click away.... HERRRRR      (the equivalent to a forlorner sigh in Korean...who knew?)

I'll be posting again on Monday, that is, if I survive my Birthday. See you on the other side!

2 Months Down

I celebrated by leaving school in the middle of the day for a doctor visit! YEAH! Actually I left on my lunch break to go because my throat was swollen and I had a fever for the last two days. When I arrived at the doctor, feeling dizzy and nauseous, I was informed that, "The doctor was out to lunch."
"Funny I called ahead to make sure I could be seen?!" (lightly concealed rage)
"Would I like to wait two hours to see him when he returns?" (asked in all seriousness)
"No I would not." (mild contempt, with a little forlorn sigh)
I took a cab back to work and napped for thirty minutes until my next class started. Half way through I ran to the bathroom to heave what I had eaten, which luckily was nothing. Another foreign teacher called down to the office to say that I was really sick. The boss-man came to my room took over my class and sent me back to the doctor. I was seen and diagnosed with acute tonsillitis. The doctor prescribed a myriad of drugs including penicillin. I returned, once more by cab, to school. I had enough time before my next class to eat some rice mixed with hot water and down my pills. My stomach finally settled and I took the rest of the day pretty easy. The kids, for the most part, were understanding and tried to be well behaved.
Over all it could have been worse. My co-workers were very kind and offered tons of help and the boss-man said "I wished you could go home to rest" (this is a big step: Steve, my co-worker, had to stay after getting an IV at the hospital and fainting at work *I guess I had to stay too but at least the boss-man feigned concern for me).
Here's hoping month three is where I really hit my stride!

MAC N' CHZ Kinda Week

This has been a good week in Korea. No matter the country, a week that includes Costco, Ice Hockey, and a care package can't be half bad. 
The Costco trip was epic to say the least. It required taking two trains and a cab each way. I split the cost of membership with a co worker and we wandered through the three story Costco for hours. I purchased 5lbs of shredded Cheddar cheese, 5lbs of ground pork, and a 10lb bag of pancake mix. My coworker got an equally absurd amount of consumables. We neglected the logistics of trying to carry all our treasures home, for the time being we were in bulk sized heaven. The train was packed and we had to stand over our boxes  but we were still happy. The smiles ended when we stepped from the warm train into the sub zero frozen wasteland that is Ansan. The icy death march began. I was forced to stop every 20 steps or so to rewarm my fingers but in the end the pork-potato-egg-cheese-hash I ate the next morning made it worth possible frost bite. The side of waffles really brought the meal together.


I went to watch a Hockey match last night with friends but instead we ended up seeing a tickle fight on ice. Hockey in Korea is horrible. They don't sell beer and don't allow fighting or checking. I ask you...what's the point? I still had fun screaming obscenities in English that no one understood. My favorite being "stab him with your skate." (what's wrong with me?) The highlight of the evening had to be a deep-fried corn dog I bought on the street. What is better than a corn dog? How about one that is battered a second time? Who ever thought to deep-fry something that has already been deep-fried is a genius and deserves a national holiday.

Lastly my week was started with a care package sent from some lovely Alaskan ladies. It included all the things I have been craving...even box Mac N' Cheese. I made myself sick the first night by eating a whole box from the pan. WORTH IT! Thank you again for the gifts. I also got about a million letters, thank you all for those and watch your mail boxes, I'll write back just as soon as I can.


A couple of pictures of my adventures:

 Some of the more interesting items for sale at Costco....there were also live fish for sale:)

 Waffley goodness with a potato for scale.

 Korea is a frozen wasteland....wanna visit?

 Sharon and Jessica (co-workers) at Korean BBQ this whole spread cost us $6 each. Beer and Soju included plus there was more on the table next to us that didn't fit into the picture.

MAC N' CHZ

The Two Uses For The Internet

1. To post pictures of yourself wearing a swim suit in your bathroom mirror. (Sunglasses optional)
2. Bitching in your not-so-popular-blog.


Today I will do the latter.

My apartment is trying to kill me.


Since I moved in 53 days ago I have had a persistent cough. I know, a bit of an overreaction, but I think my new "roommate" is trying to kill me. Actually I don't believe he is trying to kill me, more just get me to aspirate his asexually-reproduced-filamentous-brethren. Oh ya I forgot to mention the quotes aground roommate implied that he is actually a 4.5 foot tall patch of mold growing on my wall...he's called Larry. 
Larry mostly keeps to himself. He likes to produce trichothecene mycotoxins, hang out, or just cause adverse physical reactions, including death, lung tissue damage, and memory loss. Really overall he is a fungi....(sorry I had to)
After bringing this information to the attention of my boss he suggested I should reposition my furniture in front of Larry. "Why didn't I think of that?" I almost forgot the "if you can't see it, it's no longer there fix" on the 'EPA's website concerning mold and indoor air quality'.
For all of you, at home, screaming at your screen, "spray him with bleach and quit bitching". I would like to share this short quote from Blazing Saddles, you might find it relates to the topic on hand (and is quite silly):

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim : Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad. 

Yes I bleached him, I scrubbed him, I even bedazzeled him. And he came back with a vengeance. We have a shaky truce formed by a bottle of "mold cleaner" (*I think it's used for cleaning mold).

The truth is that I actually like my apartment quite a little bit. It has become home, I would hate to leave it but Larry and my respiratory system don't quite get along. Any one wanna come visit?


A few pictures for your viewing pleasure:

 Larry!

 One of my favorite Bedazzeled babes.

This is what you see when you Google "Beddazzeled Mold"?!

The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful

The adventures of four friends in the Philippines:


Day 1
We  flew from Incheon International to Cebu International. Flight time 4 hours, three beers and half a bottle of Crown between us. A WAY overpriced cab ride to Isla resort, and we were there. 3am, what better time to go for a walk? 
I left the gates of the resort after talking with the armed guards who suggested this might not be the best time for a stroll. For some reason I was determined to walk where I want when I wanted. They allowed me to leave but said again not to stray too far. I walked for about 20 min before turning around. In that time I was offered prostitutes three times and almost ran over twice. I also stepped in a rather sizable puddle. Back in the comfort of the hotel room I laid down to sleep...

Day 2
5am (one hour of sleep) I wake up to a knock at the door and welcomed Ben, Kate's friend from Singapore. We celebrated his arrival with a drink from the now half empty bottle of Crown. We dozed for an hour then got up for breakfast. The morning was spent swimming and lounging by the pool. For lunch we went to one of the best buffets I have ever been to. We all ate till we hurt. We walked around for several hours trying to work off the massive meal. We got an hour long, intense, massage for under 10 bucks. The massage resembles full body combat at times, at one point I was sure my masseuse is trying to dislocate my shoulder in the most relaxing way possible. 
I left Day Tree Shade Spa feeling relaxed and refreshed. We finished the evening in another resort's bar where I decided to "buy the whole bar a shot of tequila". (side note, I have always wanted to do that) Luckily there was only one other person in the bar at the time so he came and joined us. His name was John Cripps and he lives on the island for half the year. We had some great conversations and a few good laughs. When the bill came, 4 hours and MANY drinks later, John offered to pick up the tab. We argued but he insisted so we allowed him to pay. (during the conversations we learned that he was in fact a multimillionaire...so we didn't feel too bad).

Day 3
We woke up late and set out to find a beach to enjoy for the day. The beach everyone insisted was the best in Cebu was behind a mega resort on the other side of the island. We took a cab to check it out. We were kicked off the grounds within 10min. The beach, like the rest on the island, was "private". We were given the option of paying about $18 each for the pleasure of staying or we could "get the F@%K off their property". We chose the latter and I am glad we did. 
A block away we talked to the owner of a dive shop who knew a guy with a boat that would give us a tour all day for about $60. $12 each for the boat plus another $3 each for food. It got us a boat, snorkel equipment, company of our three crew, a couple of coconuts, beer, soda, coffee, 2 chickens, and about enough rice to feed half the country. We ate, we swam, we took silly pictures.
Sailing in the warm water, one of the crew sat with me and we talked about traveling, girls and tattoos. He wanted to do two of the topics and asked how much the third had cost me. I had a moment of embarrassment as I realized how much "disposable income" had gone into my tattoos. The one he asked about was the newest and most expensive. I told him I spent $150 (I didn't mention the $30 tip I also paid). Then multiplied for him and explained it was about 6450 pesos, the local cash. That amount would have been able to buy about 70 roasted chickens, or 174 beers at the bar, or 32 trips though an all you can eat sea food buffet. I felt guilty. These people had spent the last few days calling me sir and waiting on me as if I were royalty. I am no better than them I want them to have just as much as me.
We tipped very well and went home. We stayed up late talking.

Day 4
We woke up late again and had breakfast. We took a cab to the Tree Shade Spa and again got pummeled by small women. We went directly to the airport and spent the next hour getting ringed dry of every last peso we had. A mandatory 550 peso "airport usage fee" was my favorite. I bought a small plate of spaghetti covered in soy sauce, on the menu it was called "Chow Mein". It cost me another 400 pesos, the equivalent on the street could have gotten me three chickens and a couple sides of rice. It was obvious they knew they had a captive audience.
Another 4 hour flight returned us to snow.


The Good, The Bad, The Beautiful:
It was hot, sunny, relaxing, and pretty. But every where you looked there was poverty beyond belief. It was sometimes hard to enjoy myself among all that need. Yet I have returned to my life and want the same things I ever did, a new bike or a nicer camera. They were just getting by, many by working 12 hour shifts 6 day a week. I will work half as much make their years income in one month and still I want more. There is something wrong here and I don't know how to fix it. On a lighter note...


A few pictures from the trip:

 Why yes that IS a colt 45?!

 This was Greggy....a very nice bar tender.

My Amigos: Kate, Sharron, and Jessica

 Some cool fishys

 Gotta love Koreans and their love of the peace sign.

 Our boat

Wait....how did that get in there.

 (sadly this picture was taken while completely sober. I was told to pose "sexy")

A little Christmas Chear

Before I start this post it has come to my attention that many of you, faithful readers, are offended by my lack of proof reading, high number of typos, lack of structure, direction, and misspellings. Some one, actually many, even went as far as to infer that I lack the basic knowledge to be considered a native English speaker. To that I say "Phhhsssshhaww" Ya, that's right, I scoff at your assessment of my English-languagey-userness-niner. Further more, I ask YOU, "who is the English teacher?" You? I think not! (unless, of course, you are and in that case, I'm sorry for my foolishness). So before you cast the proverbial first stone go here and read these Curling jokes. (you get it they use "stones" in curling) 
So from now on my blog will carry a consumer warning. It will read as follows. *This blog does not adhere to a set of "rules" that may hinder the vision and creativity of its' writer. This blog may be: profane, grammatically incorrect, full of spelling errors, lack direction or even substance. This blog is only meant for the enjoyment of it's writer and reader(s). Do not take this blog orally, if ingested consult a mortician immediately.


Now that we have that unpleasantness behind us, it is Christmas Eve. At work today we had a Christmas party that looked a little like this.

Ok so on a cuteness scale that was pretty damn high. We're talking like a 9/9.5. Way better than this video of a cat being wrapped up like a Christmas present. (Although I submit it IS quite cute and I am responsible for 2 of the 3,969,002 views but I still say my kids singing off key, off beat, while wearing pipe cleaner reindeer antlers is very cute.)

All this talk of cute has reminded me that I need to also assert my masculine side, but alas my bubble bath has been drawn and my "sleepy-time-chamomile-rose-petal-infused-all-natural-herbal-100%-organic-eco-friendly-man-tea" is starting to get cold. So good night and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a decent New Year.


*Off to the Philippines on the 27 for 5ish days, so I will be incommunicado. Though I am sure I'll have plenty to post upon my return.