JOBS JOBS JOBS

It has come to my attention that my foul mouth potty humor might hinder me acquiring a "job" I'm not sure why I would want one of these "jobs" to start with but my mother insists that I do in fact want one and that I am quite worried about my future "employer" reading the dribble I have "written" here. SO with that in mind for one month I must go underground...we'll see what happens when I can come up for air. So long, farewell.

Masturbatory Soap and Other Adventures

As my time in Korea dwindles down I am feeling many conflicting emotions....ya and what's that got to do with "masturbatory soap"? Nothing, but be patient...where was I...ah yes Emotions.
I am first and foremost excited to be going home. I can't wait to see so many people! But then there is the logical side to me that reminds me of my responsibilities. Mainly, I have no job upon my return. Yes, I have saved, but I don't want to go blowing all my savings bumming for a while and be back where I started a year ago.
On top of these thoughts and feelings I have also realized that Korea has become a home to me. There are things here that I will miss, and things I have not done yet and let's not forget a few WTF moments still being had. For your viewing pleasure here are just a few had in recent days.

 Saw this guy outside my apartment!

Then I saw this blue and yellow spider on a field trip, I considered getting bitten by it on the off 

chance I might get super powers but thought better of it.

 This is how you recycle like a boss.

Only in korea are chicken nuggets shaped like our four-legged best friends...

Just takin' a "nap"

Went to a soccer game...very cool.

This guy did not go to the soccer game....he was not very cool

He wanted everyone to "be quiet" on the train so he went to talk to the conductor...

But this was the view from my roof so Korea aint all that bad.

And now for all you sickos out there I give you Masturbatory soap... try scrolling really fast to get the full effect.

 Thanks for reading...

ONE SANDAL sorta day

It's finally Friday and me and the boys decide to blow off some steam. 3 whiskey cokes later I'm ready to hit the town. We end up at Truck with my good friend John, his wife Jehyun and Dave. We have a pleasant evening. Then we go to dinner around 3 or 4 am (time is irrelevant) at the chicken galbi place that I once accidentally bailed on the tab. (but that's another story) We eat and after a million international drunk dail attempts I instead insult the South African at the table (not even with a tasteless apartheid joke). So I pay my bill and peace out to walk home and attempt a million more drunk dials. On my way home I see a tree....not just any tree....a huge tree. It looks amazing and I must climb it (even if it is 4am .....or so). I wander off the well lit road in search of this massive oak. As I crest the hill I am mesmerized, staring at the huge umbrella of foliage, then suddenly I am face first in a ditch, my legs are throbbing and I am completely disoriented. I have stepped into a 2 foot deep cement ditch that was covered over with weeds. I detangle myself and stand up but discover that I am minus a shoe. I get on my hands and knees with my cellphone in hand for light and look and look and look and look but it has disappeared. I yelled out a long string of English and Korean curse words then turned for home and limped back bleeding from both shins. 
I feel there should be some sort of moral to this story but the truth is I'm glad I walked up there, it's somewhere that I have looked at and thought looked neat but never went to. Never mind F that! I just looked down and noticed that I ripped off a chunk of my big toenail in my adventure last night no wonder my foot was throbbing too. I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight.

Chuseok

Chuseok is Korea's answer to Thanksgiving. It's pretty much the same thing.... but totally different.
That's right! It's time for another thrilling episode of "Same Same but Different".
Welcome back to another episode of Same Same but Different, I'm your host Kim Jong Will and today we will be comparing two thanksgiving celebrations to determine which country is truly superior. Let's get right to it. You know the rules: three categories only one winner.

Category ONE     FOOD

Thanksgiving:

Turkey

Mashed potatoes 

Green bean casserole

Gravy

No kimchee

Stuffing

Cranberry salad

Chuseok:

Kimchee

Rice cakes with raisins

 I think this battles winner is obvious if you don't agree you 

can shut your lying stupid kimchee eating mouth.

Category TWO      Tradition

Thanksgiving:

Giving thanks

Being racially incentive

Yelling at family members

Chuseok:

Hamboks (traditional wear)

Cleaning graves of relitaves

Playing games

Visiting family

Korean wrestling

No surprise here Chuseok has been celebrated since 57 BC, where as Thanksgiving has been around as long as your local 7-11.

Tied at 1 to 1 we need an impartial way to decide the ultimate winner. The two holidays will have a picture battle royal. 
Google if you will:

"Thanksgiving"                                                               "Chuseok"

Chuseok scored with the cats but thanksgiving has sexy Indians.

It's a toss up. We can't have a tie so here for your viewing pleasure is a super extra bonus tiebreaker video.

 It appears Chuseok has won! ...eh who am I kidding Thanksgiving won me with "Turkey". 

75 Days till Thanksgiving Bitches!

Time to Kill

I haven't posted in many a moon but I have a good reason: I didn't want to. Ya maybe throw in a little laziness and a bit of busyness but really I just had other, not even better, things to do. I have also, since my last post, had a mild case of home sickness (or what I like to refer to as "I want to get the f*ck out of Korea sickness"). These bouts of IWTGTFOOKS come and go and often last only a few weeks, but this current case has me itching for a plane ticket. Don't get me wrong I still love Korea, but some of the magic has rubbed off. Being lost and illiterate has lost its charms. It's no longer an adventure now it's just annoying. That said, I have been having some great adventures and now I will leave you to see them in the best format I know, photo collage with sarcastic subtitles, ENJOY!

 Before Mud Fest, with some good friends, MinJae Dave, Ashton, Aaron...AND MAX

 After

Our bus driver getting lost on the way TO AND FROM rafting.

 Snack on the bus, perfectly timed photo....love it.

 The crew.

 Mommy and Daddy visited and I showed off my sick new ink.

First comes Beer

Then comes Karaoke

 Busan, who knew Korea was this beautiful, why am I in the north again?

 Can you see the pain? Staring into the sun as the photographer takes "just one more shot" for the fifth time.

 What could all these people stopping to take pictures of?

 Oh just the silly white people dancing.

 Seoul

 Back to "work" these kids teach themselves, score.

 Johns wedding, proof white guys "do well in Korea"

 Lookin' like a boss in my suit.

 More proof white guys "do well in Korea"

 

 Korean kids are the cutest damn kids in the world, don't even try and argue it.

 

 Breakfast (nothing edible but rice...mmmm rice)

Ok so a bunch of really cool fun stuff happened but also I was hospitalized for 5 days with pneumonia so ya that sucked. p.s. pneumonia sucks. p.p.s pneumonia sucks even more in a Korean hospital where no one speaks English and seams surprised every time you say you don't speak Korean.

66 more days and I'll be back in the states for better or worse. I thought I would "figure out my 'life' in a year in Korea" surprise! didn't work that way?! If you have any suggestions or invitations feel free to post those in the comments section.

H 2 ....

O MY GOD!


The rainy season has started....and it's every where! Rain that is....ya you expect it in all the classic locations, outside, ummm well mostly there, but in Korea they take rain to a whole new level, I like to call it "rainnest". It is like rain only more! Take a recent camping trip for example:
My boss invited the foreign teachers to go camping on the ocean for one night, we voiced our concerns about the possibility of rain and were reassured that it was only going to rain on Sunday. The fact that we were camping ON Sunday didn't seem to bother my boss-man so we all agreed and set out on an "adventure". We got to the beach and set up camp mid Saturday evening, drank and ate till we could explode, then drank and ate more. We had beef, pork, and duck plus all the sides you can imagine. It was great. We spent the evening in ignorant bliss, playing cards, throwing a baseball, little did we know that our lives were about to change.

Everyone went to sleep when it started to sprinkle around 11pm. 1am SUNDAY I woke up in a two inch deep puddle, in my tent, where water of any depth should never be. The rest of the night was spent bailing water out of the roof of the collapsing tent Lewis's family was "sleeping" in. (sleep was not possible at this point due to the constant rolling thunder and pounding rain pummeling everyone and everything too stupid to not be inside). By 6am when we finally decided to pack up and leave there was a 5 inch deep 30' wide lake surrounding the tents. 

Back to my house I thought I was safe but no...it appears Korean windows were not designed for use in aquatic conditions. I opened my bathroom door to discover a new water feature that I did not remember installing. Strangely the same phenomenon was occurring in the kitchen. The windows are leakier than a sieve. When you need more than one sham-wow to contain the water coming from you closed windows you know you have a problem, but when you need 4, yes 4 super-absorbent-made-in-Germany-limited-time-offer-Sham-Wows, you are just screwed.

Lastly I finally gave in and bought, well mooched for free, an umbrella, the trouble is:
Umbrellas are great for up-and-down-rain. (standard-run-of-the-mill falling-from-the-sky-rain)
BUT....they are not so hot at blocking "slantyrain". Slantyrain is rain that defies the laws of physics by saying "fuck you" to gravity and just doing what ever the fuck it wants. Slantyrain is kind of a bad ass, it falls down with the rest of the "normal" rain but when it decides that it wants to try something different, it does it. Slantyrain is the "second shooter" of rain. It goes straight down aiming for your umbrella then takes an abrupt 90* right turn straight into your face. You are it's bitch and there is nothing you can do about it but say thank you and ask for more, which it will promptly give you.

 So that video had nothing to do with slantyrain but....it was pretty cute and if you don't know the reference you have missed one of the greatest movies of all time.

I've been poked...

...in the butt more times this week than your mom! (and that's saying something)


After a mid-week-drinking-binge I developed a soar throat and a fever. Was it from the $20-3hour-all-you-can-drink-special that I took as a personal challenge, or was I just due for a summer cold? We may never know but what I am sure of is this, I spent half of the following day pretending to teach class and the other half in the bathroom wanting to throw up (I was never successful on that front by the way *PUKE FREE!). This isn't my usual attitude toward teaching, I actually do care about my job, my kids education, and the schools reputation, my only explanation is that things got out of hand, as they are want to do when you offer a mid-week-20$-3hour-all-you-can-drink-special!
Now I bet you are wondering what does all this have to do with butt poking? Glad you asked! No, it has nothing to do with a guy named Russel who likes to dress up like Minni Pearl and uses the word fist as a verb. No, it's a Korea thing, if you go to the doctor, like I did, you get a shot...in the butt. Doesn't matter what the ailment is the answer is always a shot in the butt. I returned to the doctor today cause I'm not feeling up to par quite yet and shot in the butt.
My diagnosis is tonsillitis, only the millionth time in my life. Never have I hated one of my organs more than my tonsils. This is official now, tonsils you are on notice, screw me over seven or eight more times and your f'ing out of here! 
Oh ya and for all of you who read this .....um...writing? I am actually working on writing a little bit about my work and fan death and all those other things you suggested I talk about, sorry it's taking so long but those pee and fart jokes don't write themselves.
Lastly I'll leave you with a picture of me in a really high hammock for absolutely no good reason.

Oh and Happy Father's Day Dad hope your enjoying Alaska!