A Change

I had a mini break down. I don't know if that's what you would call it but this is something that happens to me every so often, I have a sudden and overwhelming feeling of being trapped. My stomach twists into knots and I have an enormous feeling of impending doom, that soon everything I am doing is going to go horribly wrong. My knee jerk reaction is to curl up, eat food and wallow in self pity waiting for what will surely be the worst week, day, month, year of my life.
What could put my existence into such a tail spin? Well...anything, as long as I see it as an "important decision" I feel the need to over analyze. Most recently, twelve hours ago, I curled up on the couch and started binge eating chips and salsa all because I got an email from a professor saying I should buy a book. Laugh if you must but this seemingly inaquous email short circuted something and really ruined the next twelve hours*. Some of you might be saying to yourselves "professor?" Ya, so I signed up for classed at the community college to study material science (its mostly about carbon fiber). This was in answer to another small break down earlier in the year where I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but that is a story for another day. The fact is, I signed up for this awesome program because I had a good chance at a good paying job if I graduated**. Ever since signing up I have felt bad about it; it's too long of a commitment, it's a passing interest, it's too expensive, it'll be too hard, the school might be attached by extraterrestrial lizard people. Some of these concerns are more valid than others, but to say I was ever 100% committed would be a huge stretch. I think I had an easier time deciding to go to Korea! So here I am the night before starting my first day of classes in over seven years, and I couldn't do it. At the core it was a time commitment issue. I feel strongly that the only thing we have is time and how we choose to spend it is extremely important. Over and over all I could think about was being tied to this program for a set period of time and it made me feel horrible; literally sick to my stomach.
So what am I doing otherwise with my time that is so important? Not much. My current job as a dry suit repair tech entails gluing stuff to other stuff. It's not the most fulfilling thing I have ever done but the best part is the flexibility it affords me. I can go in when I want leave when I want, I just have to make sure to finish projects. For a certified commitaphobe it's a killer gig. Alas, I know myself well enough that I wont be satisfied for long not using my brain, which is why I have devised a plan....not a great plan but a plan nonetheless***. I want to learn things, actually I crave it, I love new opportunities to learn new skill as long as it doesn't come at the cost of some other experience. So my plan is to study the things that interest me, metal work, playing guitar, painting, beer, Korean, sailing, diving, writing, entrepreneurship, bicycles, small engines.....too many things to list.
I think this sounds like a good plan but there is one huge hole, how do I keep myself from being distracted after all there are so many shiny things and web pages to look at. My initial thought is a routine, but I could see myself easily slipping out of it. Maybe I could write about my adventures and post them here on a schedule so people can call me out if I start being a lazy bum...well more of a lazy bum than usual. What do you think? Any great ideas to keep me on track learning interesting new things?
Eventually I will have to find something to do as a "real job" but I'm hoping that it comes in a more organic way instead of me blindly jumping into school.
Sorry if this post was even less organized than usual, in my defense I am writing this at 4am.







*twelve hours may seem like a very short break down but this is a mini break down after all.
**This is another thought that has plagued me for many years, the idea that I need to settle down and start a career.
***What a weird word?! nonetheless? huh...